today has been an emotional and powerful day for me. i have so much that i need to think about.
i need a buffer. yesterday.
Something happened tonight that has never really happened in my entire life. My father and I had a meaningful conversation. My dad acted like a dad. He wanted to hear what was wrong, what was bothering me, and then he wanted to help me. He wanted to advise me from his own life lessons. We had a real father - son conversation. He actually made me feel much better, and gave me a lot to think about, and a lot to rethink in new ways.
Life can sometimes be ironic. Frankly my mindset is different. Im a little different than i was.
I feel withered and diminished, and at the same time ambitious and thirsty for excitement, full of life.
Hey Tumblr, its been a while.
Free time is a luxury that im really glad that i cant afford very often anymore.
I trust youve all been well, i know that i certainly have been. Lately though, ive been on something of an emotional roller coaster. I have experienced a pain more profound and deep and rooting than any i had ever thought possible. I have experienced a betrayal that shook my mind and nearly decimated all that ive worked for. Normally, i hate feeling like that, but this time something good came from it. I learned a valuable lesson, that i will not soon forget.
Sometimes, no matter how hard i try, or how strong i build myself to be, no matter how valiantly i fight, i feel utterly defeated. I feel dragged around and tormented. I feel tortured and beaten.
Fluent articulation and cold paintings with pretty words cant wash away the sin that ive etched into my flesh, or so i have always thought.
I ache for freedom, but always make certain that someone holds my leash. How silly of me, right? Fucking right.
The fight is not over, and i am not dead. Despite my dreams, my thoughts, my memories, and my remorses, i live on to see brighter days.
I can no longer chain myself to points in my past; to places or people or things. I know that now. Tomorrow is a new day, in the same way that 9 34 is a new minute. A new chance to change the way i live and the way that i carry myself.
I wont be happy until i find what makes me happy, whether that means traveling, fighting, learning, or teaching. Whether that means a life full of crossed swords, or one shared with a loving companion.
Ill return to work tomorrow, a new day, with new challenges and new victories to be won.
Im still up in the air, but its not fear or fury that consume me, but raw ambition and curiosity. I do not want revenge or desolation; but love and consideration.
My passions burn as profoundly as ever, and now i simply have more reasons to show those near me, how much i care about them.
Ive bandaged my ribs, and changed my shirt.
*tips hat to Willard* (im just presuming that you would read this whole rambling post)
And so Tumblr, i appreciate you. And for any who read this, whether you are friend or adversary, informed to the situation, or not; i leave you with this:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice? Burn in Hell.
"how do you feel about friends with benefits?"
"thats a curious question"
"so do you agree with it, or no?"
"it really would depend on how attractive the friend is"